My miscarriage in 2001

The other night, I recounted the ordeal I had before in 2001 to korkor.

We were in Taiwan before he turned 1, and during the last few weeks, I discovered I was pregnant. I saw some spotting later and a visit to the doctor told me the devastating news that the baby had no heartbeat anymore. I held my tears in front of the doctor and couldn't help breaking down right after I stepped out of the clinic.

I cried till my eyes were numbed while hubs went back to work. I never felt so much sorrow before, and there were noone to help ease my feelings apart from korkor who was surprisingly better behaved that afternoon. I always thought he sensed I felt sad and didn't make any fuss before his sleeping time (for the first time!)

We then started packing our bags and stuffs and I was busy moving around till the day we flew home.

We celebrated korkor's 1st birthday together with family on that Sat afternoon and took 2 other kids to jalan-jalan at Jusco. Halfway walking around, I felt some sensational pain in the tummy area and urged hubs to go home, leave the kids to our moms and go see doctor. Can't wait till Monday.

The pain was getting more intense as we went around, but the bleeding couldn't wait till we reach the hospital. I felt the sudden outburst of big lumps of blood gushing out from my you-know-where while in the car, and hubs didn't know where ISC was! I panicked but still managed to compose myself to direct him the way anyway. I dared not look at the car's cushion.

Eventually, I was lying down on the bed in emergency room, the 2nd time after a year plus ago, at the same A&E. I asked for the doctor I know from that 1st time, and very soon, she was right in front of me. She asked me if I knew her, I think she was surprised that I asked for her as she didn't recognize me as one of her patients.

I told her about the story of my life (which was cut rather short) and she asked if I felt dizzy. I told her no and she replied, good.

As the doctor and nurses went about doing their "stuffs", I took a look (for the first time) on the blood I was in. What I saw really shocked me. The level almost covering half of me! Awhile later, I felt dizzy and I quickly told the doctor who was beside me all the time. When she heard that, she sounded anxious and barked at the nurses to STAY with her and assist her urgently. She said she needed to do the D&C right there instead of the operation room, without the anesthetic.

It was a very uncomfortable experience as I felt like someone using a high suction power vacuum to suck the placenta out of my private part, but it was a huge relief when it was out. She told me to hang on as she did it a 2nd time and finally I was relieved of the ordeal.

I still needed to be anesthetized for the doctor to "clean" me up. While I was still conscious, I cried and asked the doctor why this happened, if it's because I did something wrong, or ate something not right. She warmly consoled me that this wasn't my fault and these things do happen.

When I was unconscious, I remember I had this feeling of lying down in a water tunnel sliding backwards, facing up. I then saw a light at the end of the tunnel and felt a very vague glimpse of my unborn child, bidding farewell. It was probably my imagination, but that was what I remembered in my state of unconsciousness. When I was conscious again, I saw hubs in front of me. The first thing I asked him? Did I receive any blood? I did not want to have Aids! Crazy thoughts running in my mind!

Then I asked him why he was inside the operation room. He said the doctor allowed him to go in and see me, and she said I was feeling very bad about the miscarriage, that he might like to console me. How thoughtful of her.

I stayed in hospital for 1 night, and that night, I felt very thankful I am still alive and still around to take care of korkor. That experience had scared the shit skin out of me, so I am more wary from then on.