Having a baby.

Boy meets girl, girls meets boy. Fall in love. Get married. Have a baby because so in love. Feel so happy bearing a child inside, feeling it growing and going to pop soon. Then baby comes, and oh, he is sooo cute. Well, not all the time, but enough to feel blessed. Then it's about time to have another one so to give the firstborn some company because you have only that much energy for baby shows, baby songs and baby stuffs.

Ahh.. then there's where everything else falls apart. 

All the bickering, shouting, fighting, attitude issues, school issues, and worst of all, they are NOT cute anymore! Give them 12 years of cuddles and kisses, they don't want you to go near them and they prefer to go out with friends, even for holidays! 

There are couples I know who think that having a baby would strengthen the love between them. The truth is, it could break them. Especially when the parenting methods are so in contrast or maybe the man is just not keen to change diapers or stimulate their minds like the woman does.  What they do is just be there, plopped on the sofa having some shut-eyes, whilst the kids on their iPad or TV, whatever that interests them. OH, maybe I do that too sometimes, ok, lots of times, but hey, moms are entitled to these privileges, ok!

When the little individuals become more matured, you only wish they grow up to be prim and proper, and truly find their purpose and happiness in life.And then perhaps, it's time to rekindle the love or find your own life and live freely again. 

Nevertheless, being a mom has been the best thing that ever happened to me in mine. I had wanted children since I was young. Though the 3 of them still driving me crazy, my maternal instincts still makes me think of having another baby, especially when I see the cuteness of others, like Lolly. But no, their cuteness lasts for only those few years, so, I'm hanging on here. I'm good.

What I want to say here is that....err... there's a point I wanted to make somewhere, let me get to that later..

My 4th baby.

When I was young, I had wanted and imagined, I will have 4 children. 2 boys and 2 girls. Perfect!

But, now that I'm in my 40s, I don't think it's possible to realize it anymore. Not only the age is a factor, but raising up another kiddo in this age is an entirely different story.

Everything is getting expensive. Not only we need to provide the 4th child with the basic necessities, there's the nurturing, the education fund, the bringing up part... I'm already way too exhausted with these 3. And I'm very contented and happy to have these beautiful children, born perfectly without any deformities and average intelligence. They bring me much happiness, joy and pride that no other ways would (though there are some bad days!). So that's pretty good enough.

I had also thought out what the big gap it is between the 4th bb and us. Not easy when she is in the teenage years, struggling to cope with the mixed feelings. Probably the korkors and jiejie would be too busy paktoh-ing to entertain her. I say it's her, because I wanted to have another girl than a boy. But how would I know I would be so lucky to get a girl, right?

Thinking of getting pregnant and having our settled lifestyles hauled upside down once again gives me the shivers. Then again, if it had really meant to be, I would still be embracing the baby with a warm heart. She's after all, my child, and a gift from heaven.

Our marriage of 12 years

Very often, I asked myself if I had been the wife I would like to have if I were a man. I gave up building on a career for myself, not a sacrifice, if I may add, but indeed a luxury as I get the chance to watch the kids growing up right before my eyes every single day. For this, I'm indeed grateful to my hub for supporting us and working so hard to bring bread and butter home.

Throughout the years, our paradigm shifted, mine more towards the well-being and nurturing of the kids while the hub is very engrossed on earning more income to be able to retire comfortably in later years.

His work stress builds up, our communication becomes less, he's frustrated he feels uncared for as I seem to focus on the kids only. He seeks attention and starts picking on me, while I start to feel unappreciated with low self worth. Many a quarrel started with trivial stuffs, but hankering on these few basic reasons.

Instead of hoping for a change in him, I know there are only 2 ways I can move forward. Either take it or leave it.

I feel like giving up but would feel awfully berat hati. I wanted to see less of him but would miss him. It's really a painful love hate relationship. So, it's only the other option to take it.

In order to take it without hurting myself anymore, I am striving to psyche myself that

1. It's ok to be unappreciated.
2. It's ok that I don't get the things I love, from him.
3. It's ok he doesn't feel it's a need to talk carefully and jaga my hati since we are an old couple.

For if I were to die tomorrow, these aren't the important stuffs anymore. If he realize it by then, or not, it's not the most important things in my worry list anymore. In fact, there would be nothing to worry about. It's all relativity. These would be so trivial when compared to death, or illness.

I want to live happy.

It's a long way to come to 12 years of marriage, 16 years of relationship. With this, I wish ourselves a happy anniversary on the coming 22nd May.

On the run

The past 2 days, I ran on the treadmill. 5 mins to warm up, 15 mins jog and another 5 to 10 mins cool down.

By the 5 mins on the run, I could feel my legs wobbly and I told myself I just couldn't make it and to abort the run idea. But another part of my brain tells me to keep on running, that I can do it and do not give up.

I listened to that part of the brain and persisted. When the body reaches its momentum, somehow it is easier to keep it up.

Yeah! I made it for 2 days in a row. Covered about 2+ km each run and it felt good with sweat running down the face, instead of tears.

Though it's nothing much comparatively, but I dare not push myself too hard since I hadn't been running for a long long while. I kept imagining I would roll down from the moving conveyor and create an ugly scene in the gym. Not a pretty good sight, ain't it?

Hope to shed some stubborn fat away, but I guess, I shall hope more that I would keep it going.

Me? Contributing to a newsletter?

Recently, a friend asked me to contribute a write up on the topic of child trafficking. Naturally, I wasn't very confident since I haven't tried my hand on writing anything serious before. Crap yes, but on such a serious issue? And for a charity newsletter? I was surely biting all my fingers and toes' nails! *faint*

Then, a light bulb moment came and I started recollecting an incident once upon a time when I lost my child for a good few minutes out in the open streets. I was afraid to tell to anyone as I felt awful guilty for being such a lousy mom, but I meant to note it down, just for remembrance sake, but procrastinated. So that came as a good excuse to finally put my memories of that event which happened 5 years ago but which I could still remember the details so well, to print.

I wrote it out like I would in a blog, and sent to her. She replied telling me it's good! I was elated, but knowing how diplomatic she is, I couldn't be 100% confident. Anyway. She sent me back an edited version, where I started comparing, and realized *gasp* there were soooo many grammar errors!! It was so much smoother reading her version than mine. Now, I'm wondering if I should put up mine or the edited version over here.

Anyhow, it was a nice experience, and I was surely beaming with joy when she says she will use it and put my name in there. Though only 300 copies in circulation, but I really do not care if anyone reads.

As good as new.

Remember I mentioned some time ago about a new camera that I might need? And it's because both of them which I owned are KO-ed already?

I took the Sony to repair as the center is nearest to me and was told later that the repair costs RM350, even when under warranty! I was so mega pissed, so I asked hub, he said no, and I told the guy no, and it's still in the center waiting for me to be collected.

The Canon service center is way much further, located in Subang, near to the old airport. I finally made a trip there and left it there. 2 weeks later, today, I received an sms in the morning which told me that it's fixed and no charges applied, that I can come collect it anytime. Yay!

I zoomed over again to the place and laid my hands on it. It's a good camera, I can tell you so. Good as new. This really made my day. But I was told they didn't do anything much with it, just cleaned up the contact point of the battery compartment. Oh well...

I took it with me and had been happily snapping away pictures of the kids. In school, at home, dinner outside. Everywhere. I was taken aback that my folder of "Pictures 2011" consists only 5 miserable pictures up till just now. Oh boy! So guilty that I hadn't been freezing their growing up moments. Do you have this problem? Taking lesser and lesser pictures of them as time slides by?

I can still remember hub bought a brand new videocam when korkor was born. And we recorded his firsts in everything. Digital cameras wasn't so popular yet, but we do have a few of them using hub's company's digital camera with a lousy resolution.

Then when didi came, the vids and pics became lesser.

Meimei's pics became even lesser than didi's.

And now all 3 of their pics also become scarce.

BUCK UP! BUCK UP!

For the moment, here are 2 of them I took today.

1.1.11 comes once in our lifetime

My blog has seen through a few HNYs now, and I was looking through my archives reminiscing what went in my head those few times. Not much, I would say. Most notably the kids are getting bigger and I'm getting older. Life's still simple, yet so sweet.

It's good to read back on some old posts, revisit those old memories and remember how joyful my life is so far. Thanking my lucky stars.

My proclaimation to my hub that night.

One night not so long ago, without the fiery thunderstorm and pitter patter of the falling rain, I snuggle close to hub on the sofa while watching TV. Then I turned to him and said, just so he knows, if IF in the event he's not here with us anymore *touch wood*, I have made up my mind that very day while I mop the floor that I won't remarry until at least my kids are all independent and have their own families. Just lack the act of holding my right palm up and bersumpah. But I do mean it.

He rolled his eyes, of course and guffawed. But I told him that I mean it, and I know I can do it. He said 1 year, 2 years.. maybe can, but anything might be possible la, after that. I told him I have my own reasons why I reached that decision that very day.

1. Do I want to trouble myself taking care of another man in my life? Men! They just want someone to take care of them in the end and have a quick easy way to settle their lust in the middle of the night, don't they? After all the great love profess and what not, that's what the "happily ever after" means, no? Be realistic, that's what I would tell myself.

2. I have 3 kids. I don't think any stepfather or stepmother would provide the same kind of love as the real parents would, somehow. (not to offend any step-parent here, just so you know first) And meimei would grow up and the bosoms would blossom too. I would be totally insane someone not her own father staying so close seeing that process. That would so kill me if he harms her in any way. No way, I can't take any chances.

And so, if IF this happens to me, I would need to be the dad and mom for them, and they would be my entire life until they don't need me anymore.

Do you think he's touched when he hears that?

*guffaws*

How to address leh?

About this friend in my previous post (scroll down...) whom we got to know whilst in Brunei, there's this question of how-we-call-each-other that hangs over my head at the time.

This couple, are in their 50s or maybe late 40s? They have 3 teenagers, all very well mannered, pretty and handsome looking. The dad's, let's call him Danny, knew my hubs first through work contact, and is a businessman. Then our families met and naturally, I was introduced to him and I call him Danny, no problem.

Then, his wife, she doesn't have a westernized name, like Mary or Jenny, just a chinese name, like myself. And as we weren't introduced properly, we just smiled and said "hi" with a wave of the hand for the first few encounters.

Funny how we always do that when we meet without properly acknowledging each other. I do not know how to speak Chinese fluently and they were all conversing in Mandarin. Also, at those times, my 3 kids were very young then so I was always busy taking care of them and wasn't part of the conversations mostly.

When it came to a point, we just can't have a "hello smile" and really NEED to address each other, we were totally unprepared. I found out later her name is Hong *something* and she fumbling called me "auntie". A WHAT???

I was totally stunned! Eh, hello? I thought I'm way younger than you?

Like this. When we were about 20ish, little kids 10 or more years younger than us call us adoringly as "che-che". I like. And the name still remained as it is till now, and till when I'm old, I suppose. So when I'm in mid-30s and these teenagers I just knew, it would be weird for them to call me "che-che", so Danny told his kids to greet us "uncle and auntie".

Welllllll....

Reluctantly, but still ooooookkayyy, I think. But I still think a 20yo lady calling me by "auntie" is rather weird la. They probably feel it's rude to call me by my name as well. Che-che yau not right, auntie yau not right, just by the name yau not right, how?

But mama calling me auntie too?? And shall I call her "big auntie"? *pout*

From that experience, I reminded myself that next time, when I meet any new person/people, I should get their name right and make the right greetings there and then! And after further thinking, I think it should be "Hong *something* che" and I shall encourage them to call me by my name! Never mind if they need to ask me several times what my name is! But not "auntie" when they are older than me!

Looking younger again.. *ahem*

Went back for Qing Ming last weekend, only one word to describe it, hot hot hot! Sun scorching hot. I wanted to cut my hair real short after it was over, but time didn't permit, since we need to return back to KL that day. Just spent the rest of the day dry-swimming again.

That idea of a pamper at the salon didn't go away and for these few days, I had wanted to do just that. This morning after buying my stuffs, I finally did. It was so therapeutic being cut, washed, blown and massaged a bit at the neck and shoulder. I should pay her more visits in the coming weeks, I think.

The style suits me, I like. But only after it's being blown. I'm sure it will be different when I wash it over myself. I came back and camwhore a bit. I had to edit the pics too, else the face looks so like the surface of Mars. When didi came home and saw me doing it, he asked me why I like to take pictures of myself.

Son ah son, let me camwhore a bit more la, I know I'm not 18-22 jor, but still... The other day, someone pointed out from the newspaper that was spread over the dinner table, that a 90+ woman camwhored and posted her pictures on the internet, and it appeared in the papers for us to see, sparing the readers the trouble to dig the pics out. So, who says there's an age limit for camwhoring, hoh? I also put pic up lor, don't want to miss the fun. heh!

New book shelf soon.

My house is in a terrible mess. All the clutter of things on the dining table. It's rarely been used for dining purposes anymore, unless I have guests over for visits. I just loved and missed the home when we first moved in, it was so free of stuffs, bare and simple. Easy to the eyes, easy to clean up too.

With time, and the unstoppable urges to buy things, we stack more and more piles of books, and stuffs, and rubbish! Today, I finally put my feet down and decided something needs to be done.

I hurriedly and excitedly went to the nearby furniture mall to get a nice cool shelf. The salesman told me there isn't any more stocks left and I was so disappointed. I told him I just take that display set then. Initially he told me can't be done, but I insisted. Finally, it's mine and I get another 20% discount too. Happy! Don't even have to assemble it myself. It's going to be delivered tomorrow. I can't wait! All these mess would be settled in due time, and my dining table would be standing proudly as a dining table again.... I hope!

1 more month to go for CNY

Xin lian lai lor... tuk tuk chiang!

We have new clothes and shoes for cny already, have you yet? This year, my eldest bro is coming home with his family. Although it would be just the same old routine year in year out, day in day out, but one thing never fails to make me look forward to it is, no, make it two things.... putting on the new loot we bought for the kids and meeting friends again.

Meeting friends is always fill with laughter and joy, even more so when blackjack is held.

I'm gonna go shopping for more clothes. Which reminds me.. my hub don't have anything new for the festive season yet.

Are those colorful paper cranes pretty and cute? Making more of it to decorate up the home instead of those bright red and gold ornaments.

What I'm reading now.

It's actually not what you think it is.

The library book I borrowed.

I would like to bore the hell out of you telling the story of our holiday in Singapore, but wait..

These 2 days, I did something which I had not done for N years. Reading a novel! Can I imagine that?

I thought this time taktau how many days need to complete the book, but ding! ding! ding!, surprisingly, I finished the book in less than 24 hours, sleeping time, mealtimes, washing time, bathing time, tuition time, cooking time, all included. Chehwah! I'm so proud of myself.

Then again, I think this book is pretty cool, it has such interesting plots which weaved together at the end. I was so excited to geto to know the ending of the story. The most captivating part of the book is that it really encompass the feelings of a mother, how much is considered enough to care for her child.

Apart from that, I watched a DVD with hub last nite. It was called "Dim Sum Funeral", kinda expected ending since the beginning, but nonetheless, held my attention till the end, even though I was rather sleepy and tired. I always judged a movie watchable or not by this criteria only. So, go watch it! tee hee!

Meanwhile, it's a Saturday, and I have nowhere to go with the family. How pathetic is that! I am thinking of a hiking trail in the evening, but wonder if it will pour later, as it always does these days.

And you know what? I am still on a vegetarian diet. Oh, you don't know about that, hoh? I only put that remark on FB and those people (frens, kononnya) look down upon me and says I won't last till 3 days the max. In fact, it's over 7 days now! Maybe, or sometimes, it's the challenge that drives you at times. The you-don't-think-I-will-make-it?-I-will-show-you-I-will, kinda thing.

But seriously, it's not that which drives me. At first, it was some sort like a protest, you know, like Mahatma Gandhi, but I can't do fasting, I have gastric problems, so I decided to cut out meat only.

After some soul-searching and self-analysis, I decided not to blame anyone for their behavior and embrace the blame on myself, as action causes reaction, no? Thus, the meat avoidance is to remind myself how incompetent I am and I should improve!

It's hard, really hard. When I was making the meals for the kids, deboning the chicken thigh, I almost wanted to sink my teeth into that juicy delicious part I crave for. It was really like calling me to eat it! And also last night when I was deboning the small fried fishes for them. I was really salivating! How I wanted to taste the crunchy and tasty part of those sides! But I didn't succumb to the temptation! I was so proud of myself! Jeez! I shouldn't be cooking so nice food for them anymore, should I? Then again, it would be contradicting the purpose of this idea. And so I persist.

Quite amazingly, I am now more aware of the different food to eat, to replace the protein my body is in need of. It's so far working, but it's pissing the hell out of my hub, as he can't agree with the rationale behind my motive. But the no-meat just keeps me reminding me, I shall be a better person, I shall be....Wonder where this will lead to.. and how long it lasts. I have no idea too.

Alarm turned to OFF

Yay! Tomorrow no need to wake up at 6+. It's the start of the school holidays, 1 day earlier than predicted. One good thing about school holidays is definitely the morning part, can sleep until own self says enough for the night, not the alarm. I hope these 6 weeks can cure the dark rings round my eyes and make me look not so charn. Of course, it still won't help if I don't sleep earlier.

We'll be heading for a short break tomorrow, and I have also bought tickets to watch 2012 at the cine on Sat evening. Kind of looking forward to it. The kindy taught them about earthquakes and tsunami this week and I hope that they would be interested watching this movie too.

Gosh! Simple stuffs like these are giving me a holiday mood already.

To go or not to go?

When KL has its first case of A(H1N1), we were to go somewhere in KL city to have double celebration in a rundown motel the next day.

This weekend, when the school holidays are to start, I have decided to travel down south with the kids and my inlaws after fidgeting for some time. Spurring it are the thoughts of spending some time with my nephews and nieces and visiting some friends, probably even stealing some me time to walk around Orchard Road, since it's the GREAT SALE.

And today I heard S'pore has its first case of A(H1N1)! *gasp*

Is this something to bother about, really? You may think twice if you are me, as I will be staying with my sister-in-law, whose husband is a heart specialist in TTSH, exactly that exclusive hospital which treated SARS and now, A(H1N1) cases.

*looking up to the sky* God, are you telling me something here?

Raining but dry water taps.

Bugger! It's 11pm and I haven't taken my bath yet, then the water taps ran dry, not a drop of water coming out, while outside it was raining. Should I just take off my clothes, with shampoo and soap in my hands and run outside?

With several options running in my mind, banker said he's not going to drive me anywhere else to take my shower, and insisted I should just have a quick one down in the clubhouse. So, all of us went down together, banker holding a pail in one hand with an umbrella in another, with the 2 younger ones tailing behind. It does seem like a daddy bear with 2 young cubs, just like the image I had seen in Canada on my honeymoon. He's going to fill the pail with water for emergency use till daylight.

The eldest son became my bodyguard, while I quickly and anxiously showered in the bathroom in the eerie quiet stillness of the clubhouse. Thoughts of a stranger storming in running wild in my mind, while I realized I forgot to take the soap in the rush. Sigh! Passing the swimming pool before I reach the bathroom, I was tempted to just dive in and come out, as a quick shower. Thinking about that, I remembered a Mills & Boons story I read while I was in my teens where the girl wore her first bikini to her employer's pool and have a midnight swim, and the handsome young son saw her and dot dot dot.

It sure feels good to be clean, although not as clean as I wanted to, but can't be complaining at this time of distress. Hopefully tomorrow, the water tap will stop mogok and back to work. It's the first time something like this happened since Day 1 we moved in, and gosh, life is just so inconvenient when there's no water supply!

Juicy scandals.

I'm getting chee-sin already. Not one who cares about what goes on in celebrities' personal lives, suddenly I found myself chasing after some stories of bloggers' scandals. All because of a post. All because of curiosity... hehe..

You know what's the hot scandal on the internet's blogosphere now? *wink* *wink*

I think ah (as though what I think matters, duh!), guy's young, guy's hot, what is wrong there to carefully select his life-long partner. As for the 2 girls who fight over him.... no advice. This is life. This is youth. This, shall past too. And after which, we grow more matured. If not, then take care.

Cheh! None of my business too la. Akcherly, I have nothing to post, more of rants, but I prefer not to rant here, thus all these nonsense to take my mind away from my unhappiness stuffs. And hehe.. I'm happier now, after all the keh-poh-ing around. Gila. Enough.

Robbed la, not snatched wei...

Feeling rather aimless these 2 days, I suppose it's the earlier fate. Wanted to let go of steam, so I called my police friend, just want to whack him kuat kuat as if it's his fault that I was robbed. Poor guy, having to be my punching bag for the day.

He told me after I described the whole incident to him, that it wasn't just classified as snatch thief case, but a robbery instead as there's element of threat there. Not just any robbery as well, it was armed robbery. Sounds pretty serious, huh? That bugger, even teased me why I didn't ask him if he was selling knives. So much of a friend there. Then again, when we talked, he did mention these kind of cases are just too frequent.

I wonder if it's the cause of the conversation with him, I started to feel uneasy these days, when the image of the robber coming towards me with a knife in hand flashes through my mind every now and then. So many other scenarios could happen. And with the name cards in my bag he robbed away, I was thinking they might come and threaten me more as the loot wasn't satisfactory. Am I getting paranoid here?

Yesterday, I read a piece of news "What's brewing for Penang", an interview with YAB Lim GE, the new CM of Penang. It read here, at the very last part..

"I feel that patrolling is more effective than having more police stations. Some police stations only have one girl taking down reports at midnight. She is in danger because people can just come in and hurt her."

Police station robbed? Got such cases before meh? Then they lodge the police report in that police station too ah? My God, if police station also not safe, then I really think the safety in this country is beyond hope already. Scary!

Lost child sighted

Sometimes things like this tugs at your heart strings.

A little boy, ages about 4, was seen crying in MPH bookstores today while I was browsing some books. Poor little boy, the wails and sorrows would just breaks any parent's heart. 2 MPH staff were seen quickly attending to him, trying to ask what his name is. But he just kept on crying and wailing. I could immediately put myself in his shoes and feel what he was feeling ... "Where is mommy? What am I to do?"... The world sure looks like a big jungle with wild animals to a lost little child.

People around were starting to look and see if there was any parent searching frantically for him. Nothing happened for a long while.

Soon, the cries subsided as a woman consoled him, took his attention away to some kids' books, and she tried her luck if she can get any info from him. No luck. The boy refused to talk at all.

I would have gone off as I was done with my task, but I really wanted to see him back at his parents' side first. Fortunately, soon enough, another little girl, about the age of 10?, came over and said he's her brother. Apparently, the parents left them there and told them not to go anywhere while they "have something to do".

I told her to teach him to remember a contact number, as he was really scared just now. She nodded in agreement.

Sigh.. I really can't understand. Would you as a parent believe it's alright to leave two little children on their own by themselves, though in a kids' friendly environment like MPH? For me, I definitely can't imagine leaving them out of my sight, out of our home, even for just for awhile.

In this instance, I guess the people around the boy were more worried than his parents. While I was walking away, I think I saw a man coming over and even admonished the girl on why she wasn't looking after her brother (I presume it's the dad la). Sigh.. Why do I even bothered or get so emotional myself? It's a simple case of "Emperor not bothered, eunuch worried dead".

And back home at my laptop, I saw this piece of news on Star Online "Boy, 11, missing since Sunday".... Just take good care of our own children, please. It's so sad to see all these missing children news one after another.