My miscarriage in 2001

The other night, I recounted the ordeal I had before in 2001 to korkor.

We were in Taiwan before he turned 1, and during the last few weeks, I discovered I was pregnant. I saw some spotting later and a visit to the doctor told me the devastating news that the baby had no heartbeat anymore. I held my tears in front of the doctor and couldn't help breaking down right after I stepped out of the clinic.

I cried till my eyes were numbed while hubs went back to work. I never felt so much sorrow before, and there were noone to help ease my feelings apart from korkor who was surprisingly better behaved that afternoon. I always thought he sensed I felt sad and didn't make any fuss before his sleeping time (for the first time!)

We then started packing our bags and stuffs and I was busy moving around till the day we flew home.

We celebrated korkor's 1st birthday together with family on that Sat afternoon and took 2 other kids to jalan-jalan at Jusco. Halfway walking around, I felt some sensational pain in the tummy area and urged hubs to go home, leave the kids to our moms and go see doctor. Can't wait till Monday.

The pain was getting more intense as we went around, but the bleeding couldn't wait till we reach the hospital. I felt the sudden outburst of big lumps of blood gushing out from my you-know-where while in the car, and hubs didn't know where ISC was! I panicked but still managed to compose myself to direct him the way anyway. I dared not look at the car's cushion.

Eventually, I was lying down on the bed in emergency room, the 2nd time after a year plus ago, at the same A&E. I asked for the doctor I know from that 1st time, and very soon, she was right in front of me. She asked me if I knew her, I think she was surprised that I asked for her as she didn't recognize me as one of her patients.

I told her about the story of my life (which was cut rather short) and she asked if I felt dizzy. I told her no and she replied, good.

As the doctor and nurses went about doing their "stuffs", I took a look (for the first time) on the blood I was in. What I saw really shocked me. The level almost covering half of me! Awhile later, I felt dizzy and I quickly told the doctor who was beside me all the time. When she heard that, she sounded anxious and barked at the nurses to STAY with her and assist her urgently. She said she needed to do the D&C right there instead of the operation room, without the anesthetic.

It was a very uncomfortable experience as I felt like someone using a high suction power vacuum to suck the placenta out of my private part, but it was a huge relief when it was out. She told me to hang on as she did it a 2nd time and finally I was relieved of the ordeal.

I still needed to be anesthetized for the doctor to "clean" me up. While I was still conscious, I cried and asked the doctor why this happened, if it's because I did something wrong, or ate something not right. She warmly consoled me that this wasn't my fault and these things do happen.

When I was unconscious, I remember I had this feeling of lying down in a water tunnel sliding backwards, facing up. I then saw a light at the end of the tunnel and felt a very vague glimpse of my unborn child, bidding farewell. It was probably my imagination, but that was what I remembered in my state of unconsciousness. When I was conscious again, I saw hubs in front of me. The first thing I asked him? Did I receive any blood? I did not want to have Aids! Crazy thoughts running in my mind!

Then I asked him why he was inside the operation room. He said the doctor allowed him to go in and see me, and she said I was feeling very bad about the miscarriage, that he might like to console me. How thoughtful of her.

I stayed in hospital for 1 night, and that night, I felt very thankful I am still alive and still around to take care of korkor. That experience had scared the shit skin out of me, so I am more wary from then on.

My 4th baby.

When I was young, I had wanted and imagined, I will have 4 children. 2 boys and 2 girls. Perfect!

But, now that I'm in my 40s, I don't think it's possible to realize it anymore. Not only the age is a factor, but raising up another kiddo in this age is an entirely different story.

Everything is getting expensive. Not only we need to provide the 4th child with the basic necessities, there's the nurturing, the education fund, the bringing up part... I'm already way too exhausted with these 3. And I'm very contented and happy to have these beautiful children, born perfectly without any deformities and average intelligence. They bring me much happiness, joy and pride that no other ways would (though there are some bad days!). So that's pretty good enough.

I had also thought out what the big gap it is between the 4th bb and us. Not easy when she is in the teenage years, struggling to cope with the mixed feelings. Probably the korkors and jiejie would be too busy paktoh-ing to entertain her. I say it's her, because I wanted to have another girl than a boy. But how would I know I would be so lucky to get a girl, right?

Thinking of getting pregnant and having our settled lifestyles hauled upside down once again gives me the shivers. Then again, if it had really meant to be, I would still be embracing the baby with a warm heart. She's after all, my child, and a gift from heaven.

A night of good show.

We were invited to a fancy dinner function by some freaking mysterious investment group some weeks ago.

Everyone was dressed formally like VIPs. It was a mighty good show of the so called VVIPs' presence, like rich and famous people (whom I haven't heard before anyway), paparazzis hovering around clicking their cameras and shooting the video cam on them all, magic shows, lousy speeches, participants' testimonials, great giveaways of iPhone4, iPad2, cash, Macbooks, cars (wow!) and good food, good service.

Among those who gave their speeches, this funny joker who was introduced as the CEO or something, was reading word by word from a script without much confidence. Our friend said they had probably lift him somewhere around from Bkt Bintang just a few hours ago. He looked like a foreigner with a hawt look but didn't seem impressive at all.

The ambience looked a bit like those pyramid schemer's meetings, with half of the audience chanting some taglines out loud, but probably the difference is some are really loaded people, unlike those who pretend to be loaded (like us!).

That night, the only something new I learned or saw for the first time is beatboxing. You know what is a beatboxer?

Apparently, this little youngster named Shawn Lee is Malaysia's no. 1 in some nationwide challenge and no.9 in the world's. It was interesting for a short while, but after sometime, I thought it was too loud and noisy and partly irritating too. My hubs commented he sees didi in him! *jaws dropped* What can I say?

His performance with a violinist was pretty good, I'd say! I came home and google their names up to check them up!

Still, I went home knowing nothing about what they do and thinking the whole event was merely just a show, to lure greedy people putting more of their money into their bank accounts.

There are some good days, there are some bad...

This evening is one of those evenings I felt bad about being a mom.

Many months ago, meimei who used to be so much younger then, would be making a fuss when the korkor said something that doesn't even make sense but she make it deemed that he was talking about her.

After numerous frustrated occasions, we told her to learn to ignore him, and that he wasn't talking about her either.

It worked for awhile and he stopped annoying her and she, with all her cries (which can be really a big pain!)

Then, soon, came the nicknames calling and the challenge of see-who-can-come-up-with-better-names.

It annoys me to no end and eventually, one day, I put a stop to it, harshly!

The younger ones did stop but somehow, korkor, I can't understand why, just couldn't abide with my demand. He keeps on and on with this little nick for his little sister and everytime, she runs to me complaining about it, I would plead and beg him to please stop that.

I explained that it hurts her feeling, it hurts mine too, because names are precious gifts, the very first gifts parents give to their offspring and it has a special meaning. Each of their names were thought out thoroughly, to be made sure it is auspicious conferring to their birthdates and times.

I don't like it, in fact, I despise it when I was young when people call me by names other than my own. I don't even fancy giving myself another "christian" name, or for the sake of easy calling from my counterparts in US last time when I was working in Intel. I think they should just get used to calling my name or just call me by my surname if they wished (but I still find it weird that people would be calling me by that though)

So, he understood where my reasons lie in. Or so I thought.

This evening, I don't know why my temper flared, I was very angry when it happened again, and I scolded him even harsher than the last and belittle him in front of his siblings. I asked him how he felt when people call him by nicknames, he answered he didn't care. I felt hurt inside.

What he thought was that that his sister is being too sensitive and ought to be trained to feel nonchalant about these matters.

I told him, no, he's wrong. She's sensitive about this issue, that's ok, that's her and her character. It's not her problem, and it's not his job to so called "train" her up too. It's her feelings and her emotions and it's good that one has them rather than not to have them.

I went over and over lecturing him about this whole name-calling issue and eventually, I softened up and told him to go and say sorry to his sister and to tell her that he loves her.

When they were on their beds behind closed door, I could still hear them talking loudly. I could tell, korkor felt spiteful towards them and blame them for his scoldings that he got from me.

I felt very hurt and seriously, I hate myself as a mom! What am I doing to them? I seem to be creating more hatred among them! It's the last thing that any moms in this world would like to see!

After a long hour of me talking again, eventually, I told him "you must love your sister, your one and only sister in this whole world, in your whole entire life, no matter if you like it or not". Yes, I'm a dictator. I don't know what else to say or do anymore.

Sigh... I hate being a mom! But I love them all, with all my heart and soul, and I wish that they would grow to be close to each other even when they are all grown up later and lead their own lives. I so hoping I'm doing something right around here!

We are all money minded.

Since couple of months ago, I started giving the kids their monthly allowances or pocket money for them to make savings a habit.

They have 20 bucks each month and they are required to keep an accounts book on their expenses and a record of any other monies that they might get, like 10 cents for buying papa's newspaper, or finding a lucky 10 cents from a corner of our car or receiving 50 bucks angpow as bday pressie from popo etc.

Then there are some bonuses or deductions for their book keeping records exercise.

For making the effort and diligent in noting down the expenses and income.

For balance tally.

For saving all the money without spending any cents at all.

I told them, by the end of the year, they can spend 10% of their savings on whatever they want, and then maybe 10% doing some charity, and the rest to their bank account.

So, the kids have been getting rich, didi figured out not spending any money at all would be best, as he wouldn't need to write anything and another bonus for saving all his money. hmm... he's right, isn't he?

I suppose the plan can't be too perfect.

Then as time goes by, we are talking about paying for everything around here!

First, I was furious that didi had not been appreciating all his stationery I bought for him. So, I made it a house rule. I would only get their basic necessities for their schooling needs only once or twice a year, that's beginning and middle of the year. After which they have to buy whatever they need themselves from their own pocket money they saved. Like mechanical pencils (which keep disappearing), exercise books (which keep scribbled on for no kind of reason), pencil leads (which keep lying around on the floor waiting to be swept away), tumblers (which keep misplaced here or there somehow) and many others which they would have to take care and use wisely.

Once didi had no more leads, and wanted to take from korkor. They both fought and I played referee by saying korkor can sell one to him, if he needs it desperately. So korkor said ok, 1 lead 10 cents. Didi cried foul, saying that's too expensive. I told him, yeah, that's how things work. When there's a demand, anyone can ask for any price. He could have make money himself if he wants to. He reluctantly bought one from korkor and made sure he doesn't have any lead wastage. Sounds good, eh?

Later, while we were shopping, I asked him if he wants to buy some lead for himself. That time, he was more conscious of the price tag on all the different brands there are on the shelf. And he even started comparing those price with the bookshop's from his school, and think about which one is more value for money. Eventually, I showed him one pack of 4 cases which is a better value for money. Told him he needs to keep it safely and even make money if anyone wants to buy from him in desperate times, like he was before.

Another episode of charging money for some of their attitudes, which I am too exhausted to nag already, is when they spend more than 30 mins finishing their meals. Especially meimei. So, everytime they are over the allocated time, it's 50 cents. Another 10 mins, another 50 cents. Counts by the minutes, mind you, else how would they ever learn to eat faster! Meimei had so far, been poorer by few bucks from this whole exercise.

Last 2 days, after a whole 10 days off for the 2 younger kids, didi was VERY slow getting ready for school. I was too fed up again, and devised another punishment which includes money too! So I said, each morning, by 7.20, whoever holds up the rest of not leaving the house by that time, need to pay the other 2, 1 buck each! Wow! That sure made didi go so much faster!

But I wonder, with all these money talk and bargaining around the house, if there's any bad side effects not? Their eyes would only be seeing the $$ sign everywhere?

Sometimes, I tell them, family need to help each other too. If you feel like helping out without charging anything, you are doing a good deed and it's a favor that you would be appreciating when you need that back.

In the end, parenting is always so tough! Have to know where the balance is and don't tip over to one end all the time! That's the toughest part.

Naming each day

Yesterday, on a Tuesday, I was diligently tutoring didi and meimei at home in the afternoon.

Working on a question, didi had cracked his head and asked me if the answer he had is correct. I looked at it, and told him where the trick lied in. His eyes opened up enlightened and asked something about why the question is asked in such a way.

I was dumbfounded and said nonchalantly, that's because it's a tricky question, and today's a tricky Tuesday. His lips curved into a grin admist a long hour of strenuous revision with them. And then we went on naming each day as manic Monday, wacky Wednesday, freaky Friday, scary Saturday, sunny Sunday.....

Didi is mostly enjoying coming up with different ones that we have a good laugh about some of them and boy, I wonder how long this game gonna lasts as its not showing any signs of stopping. I had to threaten them that I will kick them out of my room if there were another word.

But yeah, it sure was fun and made them think of more words to follow the alphabets and name those 7 days. Maybe tomorrow I ask them to name the months also.

Smurfs movie

It was Sat night and we have 2 free ticket vouchers again. Almost every first Sat of the month, yeah~

We couldn't decide which movie to go to, Apollo 18? Contagion? Smurfs? Cars 2?

The review says that the first 2 are quite gross and not very suitable for young children. I was still undecided by the time I was at the counter buying the tickets, and made a hasty one at that last minute. Smurfs it was.

How do I find the movie? Really, it was the most boring show I had been to, but watching the 3 of them laughing their heads off was entertaining enough. Well, corrected, korkor says it should be just the 2 of them, he didn't laugh that much but still enjoyed himself.

It's amusing what kind of jokes to make them burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Just the bad guy shooting off right into the dustbin is deemed funny enough. And it was the first time meimei watched the whole movie from beginning to the end, without falling into slumber at all. So I guess, it was all worth it.

When we got home, I was soooo dissatisfied with not even an ounce of movie entertainment for myself on a Saturday night, I then turned on a movie called Hanna just to get some kick, hopefully. At the end of the show, though the pace at times were quite kancheong, I went to bed feeling kinda disappointed with it's whole plot which didn't seem to make any sense at all. That was one constipated Saturday night I had.

Didi cycling on 2 wheels finally.

Didi did it! Cycling without the training wheels. On his own. 2 wheels. Precisely on 4 Sept 2011. Roughly 8+ yo. Wow!

Not very impressive, eh? Then again, who cares! Not like if he learned to do it at 3 then he's a genius. I just let him take his time and get on it when he's ready and feeling confident. A little bit of encouragement helped, and when he managed it, I asked him how he felt and he said he felt great. heh!

From our KLCC park venture last weekend, his training wheel has been annoying him as it was very flimsy. The next Sunday, I had his permission to take them off and dug out the tools to do the job. It was rather fun with him watching me working on it, like I'm so talented liddat! *ahem*

His ear's infection returned that weekend hotel stay and the doctor advised him not to swim for at least a month if possible, to avoid further infections as he's prone to that from his first one not too long ago. From then on, whenever the kids go for a swim, he would be playing badminton with me or his papa. I also realized he's getting much better playing than the last time (which seemed to be ages ago anyway). At least the RM30 fees I'm paying for his badminton 1 hour class a week in school pays off!

Seems like we should spend more time with them to parks for cycling activities and badminton games!

The weekend before

We stayed at Mandarin Oriental, KLCC. To put it not so nicely, we went "hoi fong".... with the 3 kids.

My hubs likes to buy these packages from hotels which offers a book of vouchers for a night's stay, meals, discounts and whatnots, which normally is valid for a year. We had stayed in a couple of them for these last 2-3 years, I think, and I had been wanting to post some of the pictures I took when we went for a short weekend break at the city just like that.

But this time, the only time, that I didn't bring a camera along and I was very regrettable about it!

It is a nice room, with a nice view of the KLCC park.

It is great to be walking out into the park and strut right into KLCC Suria mall without bothering about parking our car and paying for its expensive fees! I had waffles with 2 other girlfriends of mine and took the kids for a swim after that. All was well except the little baby girl, lollypop, was too exhausted from this long outing trip. (Sorry!)

Due to poor planning, it was to our surprise, full houses on each and every restaurants available in the hotel during dinner time! My gawd! There are really very very rich people in KL! OK, I know that fact way long time ago, but it still amazes me to see it in real!

So, after wasting our time looking for a table and didn't want to enter KLCC either, we drove over to Lot 10, braving ourselves for the long traffic snarl in the golden triangle. Couldn't find any parking lot but saw a spot behind the Starhill hotels, which looks like a dark alley to me, where to me, snatch thieves and muggers rule! I walked briskly along holding my 2 younger kids and barked at hubs when he was walking far away in front of me, oblivious to all these threats! Sigh! Men!

Do you know in Lot 10, at the basement, there's this food court which boasts of ALL the good street food in KL there are? I didn't know! And it was there for a long time already, apparently!

So I heard that the developer who revamped Lot 10 invited the best local food operators (not those branded known franchisers) there are in KL to open their business there but was rejected. In the end they agreed on a profit sharing basis and it was a huge success apparently!

I do not know the whole story, but it was packed with people that night! It was so difficult to find a table, for the 7 of us (my bro inlaw and his wife were there too). In the end, as it was slightly over dinner time, we found one at a corner and bought different types of food to share among ourselves. The pork knuckle was REALLY AWESOME! Eek! Again, I regretted not having the camera with me!

My bro inlaw and his wife then went to catch a movie at Pavilion while we just went back to retire for the night.

The next morning, it was a beautiful day, without the sun glaring hot on us, so we could go for a walk at the park. The 2 younger kids brought their bikes along and guess what? Bikes are not allowed in KLCC park!! Why?? Can you tell me why? I really can't understand why not.

Hubs and korkor went to buy breakfast back to the hotel while I send the 2 kids back first to have our shower. Then, the boys stayed in the room while I went for a quick shopping tour with hubs and meimei for, what does a holiday mean without any shopping goodies, right?

I was thrilled to find a nice comfy leggings from Uniglo, enough to make me happy for the day!

And that was our short weekend break in Mandarin Oriental, KL. A nice little treat for the weekend city break.You ought to try that too!

Not another one!

No la, not talking about THAT, if you are thinking about THAT!

The school's 1 week break was just over and guess what? I received another memo from school today announcing next week's 4 days' off for Pri 1, 2 and 3 for the upcoming UPSR exams for those Pri 6.

Then friday is Malaysia Day, which is a public holiday. And Monday is their school's special allocated special holiday. So that makes it 10 days front to back! Oh.My.God! *faint*

I would have loved to take the kids back to Ipoh or go somewhere for a holiday, if it hadn't been korkor who still needs to go to school for those 4 days. Guess who's sulking the most? *big grin*

Well, probably the long weekend, we might just be going balik kampung. Somehow, I missed my kampung. Seems like a long time since we last went back indeed.