IN loving memory of a good buddy.

I bumped into Yin San one day at Midvalley shopping center, more precisely near the carpark. Either one of us were about to go off and the other were just getting in, but I forgot who was which. Nevertheless, we were happy we met and she said, "any free time? let's go for a coffee right now!" Ahhh.. I believe I was the one who was going off, but at this juncture, I said "yes, let's go!"

We walked to Starbucks at the ground floor near the open boulevard. She was carrying a bag with her laptop, I remember she was there to meet someone for work. We caught up with each other's updates and how we had been. Never a moment of awkwardness between us even though we hadn't been in touch for a long time. It was one of a very impromptu joyful meeting that I will always remember. It wasn't a long chat as I really needed to go off already, and we bid farewell to each other, promising we MUST have this coffee talk again sometime soon.

However, each of us were so busy with our lives that we never got to keep that promise. Some months or maybe a couple of years later, I read from her FB or somewhere that she was moving out of KL back to her hometown in Penang for good. I buzzed her up on yahoo messenger and asked, "hey, migrating back to Penang for good? Aww.. we hadn't have our coffee talk yet!". She replied me asking me to go over her place one day to pick up some of her stuffs which I might find it of use as she wasn't going to take everything back with her.

I said OK and few days later, SMS her to ask if it was ok to go over. She said yes, come!

When I reached her house and knocked on the door, I was still smiling happily, looking forward to see a good old buddy but at the same time, sad that it was going to be even harder meeting up with her later. At that moment when she opened the door and I saw her, my heart immediately sank seeing her frail body structure and her scarf over her noticeably bald head, but still with a big smile on her face.

It never crossed my mind before that she was moving back to Penang for other reasons. I was so shocked and horrified, I asked her if she was ok, please tell me you are ok and the tears just started flowing. Just like that.

She pulled me in and sat me down, told me to keep calm and slowly unfolded the sad news of her having breast cancer. I just cried and cried and cried, right in front of her and she was the other way round, comforting me, consoling me and telling me not to worry, that it was ok.

That was the last time I met her.

Yin San was my coursemate in USM. She passed away on 9th January 2013. It took a long time for me to write this post as I was truly saddened by this news. But I'd like to jot down all these little memories of her in case I am struck later with serious memory loss.

She was a very special friend to me. In USM, especially the exam weeks, her support had always helped bring my stress level down. There was a time we were in the library and so fed up with the books in front of us, I  attempted to write a short poem, describing my feelings that time. She read it and commented it was good, from there on, she also wrote some poems of support and we passed to each other and read each other's "work". How cool was that, doing irrelevant stuffs like that during exam week?! Once, she gave me a little self-made booklet with scribbles and cartoons, it was truly sweet.

In our final year working our ass off rushing out our final year project, it was really good she was in our group consisted of 10 people, where she had been the pillar of support for me as we had to hang out in the lab late into the nights You wouldn't believe how freaking scary it was to hangout in the faculty building at night times! Without her, I might need to retain another year for not able to hand my project in in time.

Yin San wasn't exactly a very popular girl among the coursemates, in fact, maybe some might find her slightly peculiar. But to me, she just stayed away from those who didn't understand her and she didn't feel the need to change herself to blend in. I liked the way she wouldn't give a shit to people or lecturers who were not in her favor list. But she wouldn't bitch about them. Who in the world won't bitch one, I ask you?? *hang head in shame* Nevertheless, when she accepted you as her friend, she was fiercely loyal and would go to her best ability to help you when you were in need.

Even though she looked rather tomboy-ish, but we did talk about guys and stuffs like that. Sometimes she would tell me that that guy was cute and she would smile sheepishly. I would say, she always looked damn sexy when she wore mini skirts with her long toned legs. Yes, even me, a woman, find those legs alluring.

She was a very good linguist, with good command in both English and chinese. That was one of those things I had always admire in her. When I first started playing scrabble on facebook, she was one of the other 2 friends I played with. On my very first game, her first move was a full 7-letter word SPARKLE that left me totally dumbfounded and blown off my chair. Freaking unbelievable. Almost made me cried.

Another respect I had for her was the time she called me to support her in her premiere of a short documentary of TWELVE 11 for Freedom Film Fest. We took the kids to Taylors College (if I had not mistaken) and I was humbled with a great sense of pride after watching her great work in humanity work like this and her strong desire and interest to help the people she didn't know. I wanted so much to join in her team, but I was really too busy with the kids. I knew she understood me.

From that time I knew her diagnosis of cancer, I would always think of her and follow her blog on her latest updates. It was the very least of me I could do for her, leaving some short comments to her to stay on with hope and faith. It pained me so much to read her sufferings, yet she always remained the same, optimistic, still full of life, joy, humor and faith. I learnt a lot from her, through her. She is indeed my inspiration to live life fully and joyfully.

That much "feared" post came, where I learnt of her passing. It was written by her co-writer of her blog. The wake and funeral was over by that time, as I hadn't opened up the google reader for the past few days. I couldn't accept it, I was hoping it was someone else's passing, for a slight moment, I was even thinking this blog owner might not be her actually! After some slight frantic of searching for more info, it dawned on me that it was a true fact, she left us. I felt deeply saddened by this news. And it was made worse I wasn't even there for her funeral. In fact, on the 11th, I called JM, our mutual friend to make a date with her to go Penang together and visit her. It was her funeral on that day, ironically. It was a such a sad day, yet I felt glad in a way she need not suffer anymore.

It was the same routine this past week, until that day, something which I feel really special, happened.

We were back home from school, around 2+, and as usual, the kids dragged their feet to their showers and I would be like a broken record, calling them to go take shower, go take shower. I was really tired, physically as well, and plopped myself on the couch comfortably to take a rest whilst browsing or lurking on FB. Didi came down and snuggled close to me, still in his uniform (darn!), and suddenly he said "look, mommy! there's a butterfly"

I nonchalantly glanced over and saw a really tiny and beautiful green butterfly (which is a moth, but moths are usually black or grey, right? so it was rather weird to see something so out of the ordinary). It wasn't here before I sat down and it stayed there so close to my feet, like half a foot away. I bent over slowly, fearing it would fly away, but it stayed there. I talked to it "hi there, is that you, Yin San? How you doing, buddy? You came to see me?". My eyes were watery, yet I felt so happy with a silly grin and I do believe it was her. I slowly offered my hand to it and surprisingly, it walked over to sit on my finger. I just sat there,  staring at its beauty whilst thinking of her in my mind. Then I took a picture of it and later it flew away but still within sight. I posted this miraculous happening on FB. How could it not be her, right? I stay 20 floors above ground and I rarely see such a beautiful thing like that before. A friend asked if it was the 7th day, then I had a thought about it and yes!!! It was exactly one week after her passing and what I read on her FB wall, yes, she passed away around that time exactly one week before! Say also don't believe, man!

RIP, my dear buddy. I really miss you, I truly truly do.