I'm bad, I'm bad. My bad.

Before I became a mom, I knew I wanted some children, not only 1. Around the region of 3-4, ideally 2 boys and 2 girls.

So when korkor was almost 1, I was kinda ready to have make another one, so that they can grow up and play together. My dream was that they have siblings as company in their growing up years.

I guess never did I foresee that the kind of play they love is to make all those noises, bickering, fighting and making fun of one another almost ALL THE freaking TIME It's really kind of a blessed feeling when it happens once in awhile, but when it occurs everyday and especially in a close compound like in a car, things can get really really ugly.

Some of the times, I step in to tell them to be REALLY QUIET. Some of the times, I let them solve their own issues on their own. Some of the times, I side one of them and join in the fun to make fool of the "victim". Some of the times, I just go CRAZY!

Today, I was keeping my cool when didi was making fun of meimei. When things turned sour and meimei was bawling that he scratched her, I just totally lost it. I regretted that I yelled at him and made some scratch marks on his thighs to let him have a taste of his own medicine. We stood outside the pavement next to a main road, while the rest were waiting for their dinner to be served. I wanted to break down that very moment, totally lost on what I have done, and what I am going to do. It was really kinda depressing. The thing about parenting, it's so darn difficult to strike a balance in everything we do.

At the end of the day, I keep reminding myself, that it's their kind of play and bonding. Without these, it's not part of growing up. They are supposed to be noisy and rowdy at this age. And when they grow out of it and starts to shy away and keep things to themselves, I know I will miss these kind of "noise" around me. Just need to be more steady myself. *slap self*