What a bad mom I am.

Last week had been a caning week for didi. This was what my kids get for testing my patience to the limit. For some weeks, I had refrained myself from using this harsh method of disciplining, as they already understood I meant business if nothing's done when I counted until 3. The eldest and the youngest are still following by this rule of order while the middle one is just trying his luck all the freaking time.

I got blown away that day, and took out to whip it on his thigh just moderately. He quickly ran off to keep all the toys strewn on the floor which I had told him to do for the umpteenth time. Then he made a dash to the bathroom to get his shower and before I knew it, korkor was yelling "OHHH!! You spoilt the shower door!!!!"

That made my blood boil even further and he got a few spankings more on his little thighs.. poor thing. As was always, after I calm down, I would be spilling over with feelings of guilt and asking myself if I need to be so harsh with him. Then I made him stand in front of me to watch me fix that door back. For some unknown reasons, I weeped in front of him, trying to make it as dramatic as possible, possibly so to let him know my heart really breaks to see him destroying one thing after another. And of course, the heart pains even more when I need to punish him for that.

When it's all done and well again, we patched things up and he cried like he was really sorry and said he promised he would TRY not to do that again.

Couple of days later, we were all chilling out at home all day on a Sunday. Korkor were either playing Wii or restoran city, I was either sleeping or watching tv, meimei was playing toys, papa was somewhere around and didi was jumping up and down. Soon meimei said loudly to ask me have a look at her little room she built with the building blocks. "Wahhh.. look veeeeery nice wor", my usual compliment to whatever they make all the time.

Then that didi had to destroy her creation, just like Stitch, and I warned him to stop that before walking away to the kitchen. Very soon, I could hear the sound of another "deesh! wham! bang!" followed by the sound of meimei's loud cry. It was really disastrous. My head didn't tell me to think what to do next and I just go and whack that fler hard. He cried in pain, and I knew that was pretty enough for him.

Much later, I saw his thigh had that red line of cane mark, and the saying "pain on his flesh, more pain in my heart". I was weeping deep inside me. Later when they slept soundly early for the night, I sneaked into their room, and rubbed the mark, as if hoping to rub the bad scar away, cried a few tears, held his hand, prayed to God and wished He will give me strength and guide to be a better mother on the days ahead. I hope there's no bad scar on his memory of how bad a mother I had been to him.