Letter for baby gurl

From this moment on, life for you will be a whole new experience. Home although will always be your home, but it will only play a supporting role, same for family as we take on a back seat cheering you on and wishing all the very best going your way. 

Coming near to 19 years under our wings, it is a good time to spread yours and fly. We are sure it will be a beautiful and exciting journey ahead. I do hope we have done good, if not bad, raising you up and becoming the person you are now. I can't help wishing we could have done better, any shortcomings you have are entirely made from how we brought you up with our very own imperfect ways of parenting. With that, I am truly sorry. I can only hope you would be able to recognize them and make amendments as you find your ground.

From a very young age, I have always been protective of your feelings. Knowing you are a sensitive person, often times I find it tough to find the right words to say, and even not saying anything doesn't go well with you. God knows how much struggle it is for me to do/say the right thing and in the end, most times I would just sweep it under the carpet and pray for the best. 

However, I can't say we didn't fare that bad being mommy and papa. Maybe a 6/10 score? We do, and that I know for sure, have your best interest at heart and love you to all the moons in the multiverse and back. that is 10/10, no doubt about it. I hope that is enough. I hope that you know. 

We hope you will find joy and fun in your varsity life, while it also would be a pressure cooker, I believe. Don't fret. We believe in you. As I have always said, you will never disappoint us for you have achieved so much already, we are already proud of you in everything that you do, for you give all your best. That's most important to us. Learn to manage your stress, and always believe in yourself. Nothing in life is worth losing yourself or sleep. As always, do your best and that's enough. Comes what may, life would iron out itself and everything will be a past, be it good or bad. Live life with no regrets. Just as I have not an ounce of regret having the greatest chance to see you grow up everyday from the day you were born. The past 20+ years of my life has been the most fulfilling and memorable time of my life.

With now flown away from the nest, making new friends, getting used to new living space, don't forget to share your moments with us. Drop us a line or two, share some pictures with us, tell us about your new life. We would always be happy and delighted to hear from you, and always looking forward to the next time we meet. Papa never says it much but he really missed those times you would run to him for a hug when he comes home from work everyday, and that was the joy and energy which kept him going. I hope the relationship you have with him will flourish better when you are away now. To him, you are his most precious baby darling, that I know for sure. 

Whee~ she got in to a prestigious uni!

The good news sank in only hours later and we couldn't stop smiling and feeling proud of her offer getting into the uni of her choice. It's rather unbelievable, as we would have thought being rejected by another uni which is a lesser ranking, this higher ranking one would be surely no hope. But, she made it in, and we would surely support her though we had to forego the idea of buying and moving into a landed property for the moment.

Ah... I suppose the empty nest would not be so bad, she will be just an hour's flight away and I could relax not having to worry about her safety at all. With just around 2 months' away, we are mentally preparing ourselves for the move. Feelings are so mixed, sometimes I would think this is the part where they really leave the home and just come back for holidays. Just like me la. 

However, seeing how tense sometimes things could be between parents and children, I always advocate kids should leave home and go out explore the world when they are at this age. It's better for all of us. And from there on, I hope the relationship between parents and children would be better and stronger that way.

It will be just my hubs and me soon! My coping mechanism is thinking the places we could go and some new stuffs we could do during weekends, how exciting! 

A brief getaway to Phuket

 Quite a spontaneous buy during the early days of the pandemic, an offer for a 3nights stay at Anantara, for only a mere USD 149. Seeing validity of 3 years, why not, right? 

Couple with the FlyPass with MAS airlines which we need to utilise before July year, off we go to Phuket.

I was planning to just go with hubby, but hubby felt it is such a waste as the unit can stay up to 6 adults hence we asked the 2 kids if they wanna go, they said ok, so.. there we were!

I asked if any of them remembered the trips when they were so young, but they totally have no memories of them whatsoever. And I dug back the posts here on this blog to check them back out too. Seemed like there were 2 trips before and we did both the Phang Nga bays tour and the 3 islands Khau Nai, Nuk and Nui hopping tour in these 2 trips. Oh, how I smiled looking back at their happy faces back then. This time? Urgh! I rather go without them at all! 

Then again, what do I expect? At this age, I understand they rather be with their friends than with their own parents. That was what we did before too, ain't that right? Hubs ain't having it good, he is a really quite a family man. He does hope we would have a nice family vacation and though he never said it before, he so wanna have the warmth and love back in those days when the kids all dot around him. When this getaway ended, he finally gets that but I know how he is hurting deep inside. I told him, don't worry, his wife is right beside him haha. 

I really am more open to letting go. I have faith they would come back to us when they are older and wiser. They are really good kids. This is not the time to ask them to be us as of right now as children treating our own parents.

New chapter, away from home at last

 Dear Adrian, 

And so with a heavy heart, I sent you off to your new chapter in your life, a home away from home. I am both saddened yet excited and elated, and I am sure you are too (unsure if you feel any sadness). 

It had been a very difficult time for all of us, you especially. All the toxicity, as you put it, and "bully" you had to endure. I cry as I am typing this, I wished we all could have done better to give you a happier time before you set off leaving the nest. Truthfully, it pains me more than you could imagine. 

This past few, weeks? months? I don't even know, had been ugly that I looked forward to this day. Yet, my heart... I have wanted to give you a good hug before we said goodbye, yet I didn't as you were so distant, so cold, so "can't wait to see us off" as you said ok bye. I felt angry, upset, sad, where my sweet child who had been the love of my life? Where did he go? Why did he change to this? Did we make him to what he is today?

I can only fall back on to the notion that what I have for you is all unconditional love. I love you with all my heart and spleen and liver and kidney all. I am grateful of the wonderful years when you were small, so adorable, so close to me, so happy, so.. you. Yes, it has not been easy either as you have a character of a rock but I could only remember the good times, I will forever hold dear to my heart closely. 

Moving on, I know you can do well, as you can set your mind to it, it's just a matter of you want or do not want to. So, I wish you all the very best and that you fly high, you find your peace and joy and you understand we all here are just rooting for you and wish you nothing but the best for you. 

The door back home is always open for you, it will never shut off to you, remember that. Come back home when you feel weary, when you need support or never mind if there is no other reason to be back. You will forever be welcomed home, and you will always be my baby from the very first day you were born till my very last breath.

Sigh.. wouldn't have thought I would still feel the empty nest syndrome, but oh yes, it's still happened alright. Miss you lots.

Mommy.

Life in the 50s

 So much has changed. No more school runs.  J starts work.  The other 2 going to leave the nest soon.  Life in the 50s is really taking off to a new tangent.  

And to be honest,  I feel a bit lost.  Never would have imagined I would feel this way.  All these years,  it's been looking forward to see them grow up and be on their own feet. And then? Now what?

Pondering.... on my performance as a mom.  Can't help feeling it could be better.  I could have done better.  They turned out not too bad,  I shall say, all done well in their studies and able to move on to varsity,  I think that's pretty good. But still,  can't help thinking there could be so much more I could have done with them.  

Hey there! Just let go! No use thinking about that now.  They are adults! They find their way and make their own path now.  My chance has gone.  That's about 20 years' time given to me to mould them and instill values. And I do cherish it.  With all my heart. 

Revisiting this site of mine / Spectrum Of the Sea

 *blow dust*

What a long while it has been since my last visit here. If it had not been trying to dig back the post I wrote on our maiden cruise back in 2006, I would have almost forgotten this site of mine.  So many memories etched in here. 

Reason digging back to my archives was because we just came back from a second cruise voyage. Albeit a different ship, the route was the same,  also along Straits of Malacca to Penang and Phuket.

This round it was a big family trip sans J and Brian.  We got this deal from Matta fair some half a year ago and hubs with his siblings were so excited over it all these months.  They discussed over and over again,  hubs watched YouTube videos again and again and finally it was the day. 

A and C flew over to SG 2 days before to spend some time with my bro and his family which was heartwarming to me. The love and care they poured to them,  I felt very blessed and grateful.  My heart beamed with joy to hear their good time spent with them as well. 

The morning after I sent them off to the train station,  a preview of the empty nest syndrome to come, came hitting me.  I wouldn't have thought I would feel that way but in reality,  I am truly a normal mom/ human,  especially all these years being surrounded by their presence and busied myself with them. Nevertheless,  I'm grateful I had my routine of gym,  lunch time with friends,  and finally dinner on my own was alright (hubs had dinner plans). He was sweet enough to come back home early knowing I'm alone at home.  ;)

We went to bed rather late the night before of travel,  partly excited and partly making sure we packed all the things we needed. By 5.15am the alarm rang and I just had probably 4 hours of sleep.  After my routine of light breakfast and poop of the day,  we set off by 6.30am

It was a smooth journey all the way to Singapore and we made it by 12.30pm, getting to meet the kiddos at the cruise center at 1 pm for checking in. 

The giant haul was so impressive,  I just awe in wonder as I stepped on board.  Basically the 4 days 4 nights had been nothing short of amazing.  I loved the room service breakfast at our room's balcony,  I love seated on the deck chairs with the wind blowing on our faces and just love being at sea, just relaxing and chilling without any worries. 

And I came home with my heart left on the ship,  I started to look back on how long it had been since the last cruise.  Now,  I think I don't mind going on that world cruise with my hubs after all,  except that.... I'm not sure if the ocean would be kind to us or not.  Or if there would be pirates *gulp*. 

Well,  guess I try to write more here since someone (my baby girl) is reading this journal of mine...*wave*

Letters to my family

 I always been meaning to write this stuffs in my head but procrastinating is the problem , as always.

Let's get to it! Who shall I write to first?